A Change of Plans

I'm crazy. That's the bottom line.  I did some serious reflecting this last week about my plans for College and life in general.  When I really started looking deep into it, I realized that my decision to go to Dixie State was based purely off of fear.  I didn't want to leave my home, friends, family, ward, and life in general behind.  I didn't want to have to worry about money, food, or rent.  I wanted to run Cross Country because, at this point, I don't think I remember how to not be on a team.

But, I've always wanted to go to SUU.  I love the way the class sizes are so small. I love the location. I love the thought of growing up and being on my own, but still being close to home.  I love the thought of making new friends.  It's always sounded so great!  I just told myself that I would wait for awhile--until I was ready.  Until I had enough money, until I knew what my family's plans were, until I felt old enough.

While me and my mom were sitting in the Doctor's office waiting for more (yes, even MORE since the last post) blood tests, a casual conversation about how I wanted to maybe go to SUU in a year or so, turned into a serious discussion about the possibility of me going up this Fall.  At first, I thought my mom was crazy.  I mean, it's already June! It seemed impossible to change my plans so suddenly.  Then, she said the thing that would change my whole mindset: "If you want to go to SUU, go to SUU. You only live once."

YOLO? Did my mom really just YOLO me?? Now I had to think about it!  We started talking about how my dad could get me a job at Lin's and that it wouldn't be too hard to find housing or get into classes.  I had some serious reflecting to do.

I prayed. A LOT.  I went to the Temple alone for some pondering.  At Institute that night, we had a lesson on personal revelation and  that lesson was for me.  LITERALLY.  Brother Hatch said, "Maybe you're here today and you're having a hard time because you can't decide if you want to go to Dixie for college or, say, SUU.  He might just be telling you that either one would be a good choice and that you'll do well at either place.  In which case, the choice is yours."  

For the next couple of days, I continued to ponder, pray, and go to the Temple.  Finally, I noticed a pattern.  The times when I felt that I wanted to go to SUU were the times that my mind was the most clear--when I first woke up in the morning, when I was at the Temple, when I was driving, etc.  But the times I felt that I wanted to go to Dixie were the times when I was the most frazzled--when I was talking to friends who were going to Dixie, when I was stressing about money, when I was running errands.  These were all times that were later in the day and I had had plenty of time to let fear creep into my heart.  Knowing myself extremely well, I knew that I only doubted my decision to go to SUU because I was afraid.  So, I decided to be brave.

I was confused, though.  Awhile ago, I felt SO right about Dixie, how could that change?  I mean, Heavenly Father doesn't change, so why does it feel like His plans for me did?  Then, I realized the truth: I had changed.  I had started to grow up, I had different desires and needs than I did a year ago when I felt good about Dixie.  I had changed, so my plans needed to follow suit. 

 Plus, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that either decision was okay with Heavenly Father.  When I asked about Dixie, I felt comforted.  When I asked about SUU, I felt the same thing.  When I reread my Patriarchal Blessing, I realized that it was very specific in telling me to carefully choose my curriculum when I went to college, but it didn't say anything about which college I should choose.  Since both answers felt right and I knew the decision was mine, I decided on SUU.  Deep down, I knew that I wanted it most, but fear was telling me otherwise.

Since then, I've gone up to SUU, seen the campus, picked out an apartment, met the manager of Lin's, and signed up for classes.  It's official: I'm going to SUU!

I'm crazy. That's the bottom line.  I could have gone to Dixie where I would have attended for free, had plenty of friends, and been able to run Cross Country.  Instead, I decided to throw those plans overboard and follow my heart.  But really, when is there ever enough money? When are family plans ever set in stone? When does anyone ever feel old enough? In my case, probably never.  So, might as well go now!