Childhood Dreams: Walking Away

Aside from the fear of change, there was one other major thing that almost kept me from SUU: my childhood dream of running in college.  I knew that, if I ran at Dixie, I'd be one of the best on the team and would have a lot of success. I'd be able to travel all over the country--even to Hawaii--to do the thing that I love most.  It was the perfect set up--or so I thought.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that doing what I expected to do--running college cross country, taking 18 credits, and working--was next to impossible.  How could I juggle work and homework with two-a-days?  Plus, with all the health issues I've been having lately, it would be extremely taxing on my body.  If I wasn't getting a running scholarship, was it worth it to run?  Before I would let myself decide which college to go to, I needed to decide if I was going to run or not.  Obviously, if I decided to run, I would know to go to Dixie.  If I decided not to, I could still choose either school. 
I thought that I was being a whimp for contemplating giving up my dream just because I realized it was going to be extremely hard.  After all, isn't it supposed to be hard to achieve your highest goals?  But, I started realizing that my extreme do-or-die attitude was rather childish.  If I did run, I was going to have to sacrifice just about everything else.  I knew that my grades would be a lot worse if I ran because of all the time and travel.  I knew that the whole health thing would be a serious issue.  But running is who I am!  How could someone that's so in love with the sport NOT do it in college? It seemed crazy to walk away from something that meant the world to me.
However, there was one prompting that made up my mind for me.  Just after finishing a prayer, the Spirit hit me powerfully reminding me of one of my goals: "Simplify your life."  I could not deny the power of that prompting.  I realized that if I ran, I would push out some extremely important parts of my life.  I wouldn't have a social life if I ran, and college is an important time for making friends and dating.  My grades needed to be a top priority if I wanted to be accepted into the Master's Program in a few years.  And, most importantly, I wouldn't have much time for the small and simple things of the Gospel that are so extremely critical, especially at the college age. 
Plus, it's not like I would ever have to stop running.  Coach Fielding has promised us a thousand times that this is a sport we can do for the rest of our lives.  There are always people to run with, races to race in, and goals to meet.  I didn't have to run for Dixie in order to get my 19 minute 5k.  Running on my own would also give me the opportunity to set PR's in 10ks. half marathons, marathons, triathlons, etc.  I could still push myself, I could still improve, I could still run every single day and reap the benefits of doing so.  But, I'd get to do it on my own time, when it fits into my schedule.  And on the days when I don't feel too well, I really need the advantage of saying "I can't do a hard workout today, I need to take it easy" or "I'm dizzy, I need to stop."  You just can't do that on a team.
When I felt firm on the decision to not run in college, I needed to Email the Dixie Coach and tell him.  I avoided it for several days, then told myself to just get it over fast---like ripping off a Band-Aid.  So, I did.  Surprisingly enough, I felt a million times better after pushing send.
I guess running in college was more of a status symbol to me than anything.  I'm a runner, so I have to run for a college team. Right? Well, now I realize it's wrong.  Not running college cross country doesn't take away all the years that I spent running high school cross country.  It doesn't change the success that I've already had, or take away from the running success that I still can have in the future.  Just because I won't be on an official team doesn't mean I will love running any less!  In fact, being able to do it on my own terms will probably make me love it more!  I thought about my Coach who didn't run in high school or college, but he's still the most dedicated and talented runner I know.  So, no matter what, I'll always be a running-obsessed, crazy girl! And, I'm going to get dang good at it! :)